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Archive for September, 2012



on the steps of the home of my mentor’s brownstone, i described a miserable period of time in my 20s, my ugly duckling phase as i call it. instead of asking, “are you my mother?” like that little duckling did, i asked every tom, dick and harry, “are you my soulmate?”

(i know i’m mixing duck stories here … just wait a bit)

most of the toms, dicks and hairies answered point blank, “no, i’m not,” but i figured i should sleep with them at least once just to make sure.

(rinse, repeat … sigh)

“i had no intuition,” i told my mentor. “oh, darling!” she said (she really does talk like this) you were DEVELOPING your intuition.”

spidey sense. mojo. guidance. inner knowing. your personal oracle. intuition.

i sort of assumed you got yourself one of these by being born with it or being touched by the tip of a fairy godmother’s wand.

but, developed? crafted out of trial and error? improved on? refined? perhaps i wasn’t a lost cause after all.

knowing what to do that’s right for you … this kind of superpowers comes from a combination of 1. LISTENING and 2. PICKING UP. these superpowers feed on repetition over time. they love life experience and grow stronger with your awareness.

1. LISTENING: the CALL of your intuition or spidey sense comes in many forms. words. primal inner grunts. body tingles. signs in the world around you like billboards, novel titles and newspaper headlines.

your guidance speaks a unique language, designed specifically for your ears. so first you have to listen and learn its language. even if you’re getting silence or static for a long time, keep listening. fluency is coming. i promise real-deal mojo is in there – in you. [if you like it, feel free to tweet it]

2. PICKING UP: your instincts calling; are you going to pick up? your inner primal grunt says, “sell the stock.” sell it. the billboard says, “the Philippines are waiting for you,” so you decide to go on the trip with your two friends. your gut contracts slightly and you decide, no second date.

to pick up means to act, leap, try. take your own best advice. heed the call. i won’t promise it will guarantee the obviously perfect outcome. perhaps in hindsight you’ll realize the guidance wasn’t, “sell the stock” it was “salt the stock.”

oops.

the point is you listen and you take a step in the direction your inner finger is pointing. rinse, repeat; rinse, repeat. from then on, the process is iterative. you fall on your face less and less. you hone. you get nuanced. you get fluent in oracle-speak.

after enough listening and picking up, you start to find your PLACE, your HOME and your NORTH STAR. you realize you’re carrying the COMPASS inside you. you find yourself surrounded YOUR PEOPLE. you molt your ugly ducking feathers and swan it up.

so, your mission, should you choose to accept it: PICK UP. when you get the call, PICK UP.

the outcome of your action? it’s none of your business for a while, just keep asking, “how high?” when your compass says, “jump!”

by the way, i’m teaching this process of instinct-honing in my upcoming Inner Feminine Badass Bootcamp. take a look and see what your Inner Feminine Badass feels about joining us: http://www.innerfemininebadassbootcamp.com

to your PICKING UP what your mojo is putting down,

LiYana

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the last mini tip was about why to heed feedback that hurts. this one’s about how to give feedback that hurts way less.

here it is in a nutshell:

decent feedback format =
1. what worked +
2. what i’d like to see more of +
3. what to leave out next time

why, you might ask, would you even want to use sucha thoughtful feedback format instead of just layingyour unadulterated opinions on them?

as i see it, the whole point of offering feedback is to help that person see a blind spot or two in order to do it better next time.

i suggest that it’s actually in that person’s best interest when you take responsibility for giving your feedback in a way that doesn’t send them into a tailspin of self-doubt or defensiveness.

it’s better form – and just kinder to a fellow human being – to dispense your opinions and insights without them needing to get out their shield or some boxing gloves.

let me break down the magical feedback format a bit:

1. start with what worked:

this pre-supposes there WAS something that worked! scour your mind and heart to find something. i know you can.

the person is already harboring doubts and worries that they screwed up and you’re about to rub their nose in it, so to speak. they are armored and prepared to get pounced on. when you start with what worked they breathe a sigh of relief and release the niggling doubt that they are worthless. they feel safer and they being to trust you. they open up to hearing all of what you have to say.

not a bad way to start.

2. what you’d like to see more of:

this pre-supposes there was something good you’d like to see more of, or something you didn’t see, but you’d like to.

of course it’s easier to just lay on them what’s not working, what’s missing or where they missed the mark. the result that’s nearly guaranteed, however, is that they don’t hear your feedback at all, it’s so drowned out by their inner moans of self-loathing and recrimination. or they hear you perfectly loud and clear and they close their ears forever to anything redeemable. your decent intentions to help them go to waste.

too bad for both of you.

3. what to leave out next time: if you’ve got insight into how they can trim the fat, edit, polish and shine, give it to them. they are going to be more open and receptive to hearing the nitty gritty because you didn’t smack them down in the opening round. [feel free to tweet it]

TRUE: we can’t control if someone will crumple or implode when hearing your words, no matter how well-wrought, but you can do your best to wield your feedback with a dash of care.

this goes for giving feedback to your lover, your employee, your friend, your kid, your goldfish … heck, even yourself!

so, your mission, should you chose to accept it:

when next giving feedback,

1. tell ’em what worked.
2. tell ’em what you’d like to see more of.
3. tell ’em what to leave out next time.

literally, you can start your feedback with these sentence stems:

“well, what i saw that worked was …”

and then, “what i’d like to see more of is …”

and then, “and what to leave out next time is ….”

to your fabulous feedback and perhaps a comment below??? 😉

liyana

PS: thanks to NLPMarin.com and Carl Buchheit, one of my crackerjack mentors, for first enlightening me to this uber-useful feedback format.