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Archive for February, 2013

i’m going to guess you (like me) love your productivity muscles. checking things off my to-do lists is still kind of a turn-on.

maybe you started a business from scratch that’s now rockin’ and rollin’. have mastered how to do it yourself (because would it get done at all if left to someone else?). know how to invest in a business development program that promises a 10x return on your money. how to measure success by how many new clients came, how high your rates raised, how much your income increased.

maybe you have have nice stretches of time where you feel like superwoman or supermom, juggling in your eight arms your grocery list, green juice, gym shoes and cute new panties.

i’m going to guess you (like me) for the most part (hey, we all have our mucky days) got the go-out-and-get-shit done thing DOWN.

i spent most of my life bowing to the god of productivity.

on the light side, i loved the rush of deleting line items. success seems easy to measure with check-boxes checked and bottom lines met.

on the dark side, however

:: i figured: once you work really hard, once you get enough done, then you deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labors.

:: i assumed: the amount you struggle and sweat is commensurate to your success.

then, it was pointed out to me that you don’t get “success” NOW by working hard now to earn it later. if you don’t know how to feel successful, or happy, or joyful NOW, you’ll never feel it LATER, because all we ever have is a series of RIGHT NOWs. (‘oh, yes’ to that? feel free to tweet it)

put off success for later and it never comes. put off pleasure and satisfaction for later and it never comes.

i could get a whole lot done, but it never came for me.


:: i bow to the fact that you can get some major stuff done, Woman.

:: but when you look up and look around and ask, “now what?” that’s when it gets really interesting.

what about:

:: your core desires?

:: feeling, in your bones right now, a joyful jolt of ‘this is my life!’?

:: being willing to let things COME TO YOU, and to LET THEM IN when they come?

:: being able to savor RIGHT NOW, to open the aperture of your senses and let life flood in, filling your being with sensual pleasure?

:: feeling silky in your skin?

:: balancing out your get-it-done “masculine” power with your magnetize-it-to-you “feminine” power?

:: feeling your heart sheer open from the tenderness between you and your beloved?

:: yodeling one of your most delish desires from the rooftop of your heart, only to watch it show up, resplendent, the very next week in your life?

:: measuring your success ALSO by how much pleasure and love you experience in your day?

yes, you get shit done. but, now what?

today i got this email from a phenomenal, powerful woman who just joined my new mentorship program.

(it’s a program all about the “now what”. it’s all about helping women source her inner guidance, let loose her desires and channel her embodied genius into her living and loving. it’s a beaut. i’m a proud mama. stay tuned; i’ll be unveiling it soon.)

“so looking forward to it … and it’s been amazing to see myself go through bouts of talking myself out of even doing it. i would not even hesitate to spend this money on business development. but on embodiment/more intimacy…? the choice has not been so easy. goes to show you what I currently value and am putting my attention on. I am looking forward to stepping into the deeply connected ME … thank you in advance for stepping up to provide this experience for me to re-pattern my beliefs and heal my feminine desires.”

it can be a strange thing to invest in your desires. fund your feminine power. put your money where your intimacy is. it can be odd to value your pleasure … delight … deep satisfaction … embodied expression … and union with life itself … like you would a marketing course.

we as a culture overlook these things entirely. mistrust them. dismiss them. they live in the realm of INCALCULABLE and PRICELESS.

they also just happen to be what fuels the engine of Woman.

and a well-fueled Woman in turn fills life with meaning.

line item delight?
bottom line pleasure?
ROI full expression?

it takes COURAGE to value this stuff. it takes MOXIE to invest your time, creativity, money and energy into them. it takes a LEAP OF FAITH to call your desires important enough to prioritize.

whenever you invest in fueling your Woman’s engine, there likely will be some calculable tangibles like new clients that feel dreamy to work with. a raise. clarity on a new program that fills with more ease. more money and business growth. all of which is always good.

but, the bigger returns are hard to put a price on. i wish they were more valued. but for now, it’s up to us to value them first.

there’s a line from the movie, Dead Poet’s Society, in which Robin Williams’ character implores his students to awaken their hearts and their desires, which i’ll paraphrase:

“engineering, accounting, doctoring, lawyering, coaching, entrepreneuring; these are all noble pursuits and necessary to maintain life.

but love. intimacy. desires. art. poetry. sex. joy. pleasure. creative expression: these are what we stay alive FOR.”

so, your mission, should you choose to accept it:

i call this a Somatization. it’s like a visualization, but run through the genius of your body, your “soma.”

:: hint: this is a good one to help balance your “masculine” power with your “feminine” power. it will help you let things also come to you and also let them in when they come.

1. pick a Desire.

this Desire can be a big or small deal – like your right-fit partner or a red mini skirt; to make partner or to do a triathalon.

(for our purposes, let’s go with your right-fitting partner.)

2. what do you FEEL like when you are with (or have) this Desire? (yes, even if he/she’s not here yet!)

if we saw inside you, what emotions, sensations and thoughts would be there?

(let’s say, when you’re with your right-fitting partner you feel sassy, at peace, beautiful and excited.)

if we saw you from the outside, what would you be doing?

(when you’re with your right-fitting partner, you’re laughing, speaking your desires freely, and dancing more)

3. what does THIS YOU know or believe about herself and the world?

(let’s say, when you are with your right-fitting partner, you know you are deeply lovable and always were. you know the world is a place that’s clapping it’s hands every time more love blooms between two people.)

4. step into this VERSION OF YOU and fully feel her experience.

(this is the version of you who’s with her right-fitting partner. fully feel her experience. soak it in like you’re a sea sponge.)

5. that’s it. you just did a Somatization. this is how you will know your Desire when it comes to you. i suggest practicing this 1-5 minutes a day.

(you can do this on the bus, on the toilet, or at your altar. it’s all good.)

but before you go, do share with me what your Desire was, that you Somaticized, and maybe even how it was to Somaticize it, ok?

here’s to your COURAGE. your MOXIE. your LEAP OF FAITH. and ma bien sur, your DESIRES.


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in the vein of how you do one thing is how you do anything …

… if someone observed you in orgasm, what would they infer for how you lead your life?

before we dig into that juicy one, why do i care about your sexual pleasure? as much as i want for you plentiful and big Os, what i really care about is that you as a woman are sensually expressed and sensually filled.

you, sensually expressed. you, sensually filled up.

why? because that’s when you’re naturally shining brightest. tapped into your calling. that’s when you are your tail-wagging-est, largest-hearted, sassiest self.

you may notice i have been talking A LOT about what potent combination of understandings, practices and ways of being have women IGNITE and be the brilliant badasses we truly are?

it’s partly because i’ve been happily and myopically focused on my high-level mentorship program, which i’ll unveil in a few weeks. it’s a cauldron in which i’ve combined ALL of those potent ingredients that truly ignites our WomanNess.

turns out, your sexual energy is the same as your creative energy. and, where you might have blocks sexually and sensually, there are often parallels to where you might be blocked creatively.

you CREATE not only in the ways you make art but also in the ways you make love, make business, make babies, make friends and make a home.

which brings us back to how you O = how you live.

by orgasm i mean, yes, sexual arousal and expansion, but i also mean: your pleasure, your bliss, your ability to relax and receive.

what sounds most like how YOU do the DO?


how long is this going to take?

i don’t have time for this!

can’t we do this later?

oh, ok, i’ll do you a favor.

now, i’m taking too long.


you’re here to serve me, right?

how do i look?

am i doing this right?

not sure how that was for you, but at least i got mine


sex? orgasm? pleasure? what’s that?

oh, i gave that up for lent 7 years ago.

enjoy myself? i’d rather not. it’s rather messy and i might look stupid.


YOUR pleasure might matter, but mine? not so much.

oh, well, if we must, i’ll “think of england?”

don’t worry about me, i’ll be fine.

la-la-la-la-la (fingers in ears)

most women pattern their own turn-on from of man’s:

1. get hot quickly.

2. come as fast and hard as possible.

3. done.

it takes the average women around 20 minutes of playing around to even START to get aroused.

we often have no idea what our unique turn-on is like, that it might be a different beast from his altogether. (and any other woman’s for that matter).

i’m all for the fabulous quickie. hard and fast Os aren’t a problem in and of themselves.

but when it’s ALL you know, when you aren’t on intimate terms the vast sensual landscape that is your birthright, then i take issue.

men and a lot of women learn about what sex and pleasing their partners should be and look like, through porn. which is a lot like studying a paper menu and trying to recreate the meal from the black-and-white words on the page.

bottom line: for most of us, it’s an outside-in job.

i say, our sensual lives should be an inside-out job.

the degree to which you are sensually expressed and sensually full-filled is the degree to which you feel truly alive. it is not only fun and pleasurable, it’s the key to your juice and brilliance as a woman. (like ‘er? feel free to tweet ‘er)

so maybe you’d go instead for guidelines (for sex and for life) along the lines of:


* savor.

* stop. breathe. feel.

* reach up and into sensation in order to feel more.

* notice urges and impulses as they come up, share them (boldly, kindly and exuberantly) with the knowledge that if you were thinking it, likely they were too.

* this is a great spot. let’s linger here for a nice, long while.

* the more i’m having a pleasurable time, they more he is and they are.

* how can we make this the most fun possible?

* there’s as much (or more!) enjoyment in the journey as in reaching the destination. (ever notice how much more fun it can be to get ready for the party than the party itself?)

* let’s widen the aperture of our senses to drink in more of life.

* let it in. let it come.

so, to this end, your mission, should you choose to accept it is a short exercise with a snappy title:


the point is to shift the goal of a sexual/sensual experience from orgasm/climax to exploration of sensation and to expansion of pleasure. so often sex is goal-oriented, and you miss the whole process along the way, in order to reach the goal of climax. this exercise is about re-defining the goal as the process itself.

it’s for in the bedroom. you can do it with yourself or with a partner.

but once you practice it between the sheets, please adapt what you learn so you can practice it in your life as well.

1. take a few moments to prepare an inviting, sexy, sensually-rich, comfortable space. (candles, putting on music, incense, opening the window for a cool breeze, having some wine or a bath beforehand… you get the idea).

2. take a moment to connect, settle down from whatever you were doing before, and be with yourself or your partner. (appreciate you. or them. look into a mirror. notice your breathing. thank yourself (or them) for being there).

3. do whatever sensual and sexual doings you want to do, however you usually do ’em, but to focus on the “getting there” rather than the “there.”

~ the goal here is to have each moment more pleasurable than the last.

~ if you feel your mind wandering, bring it back to what is going on, whatever sensation you are experiencing.

~ if you feel close to orgasm or climax, relax and breathe into the sensation, spreading it from locally at your genitals throughout your body.

~ at any point, apply the guidelines from THE SAVOR-ER, above. 😉

5. continue, experiment, breathe, indulge, relax, communicate and enjoy! but, COME SOME OTHER TIME.

6. perhaps take some time afterward to share the experience, either with your partner, or by writing to yourself.

~ what it was like to have sexual experience that’s focus was on NOT focused on orgasm/climax, but on everything but?

~ what did you learn, what did you like, what would you like to throw away and what would you like to include in your love-making?

~ what, from this kind of love-making, would you like to graft over on to your life-making?

in fact, share that last one with me below!

to your wildly expressed, pleasure-filled life,


you know those women, who are really busy, doing all the right actions. trying so, so hard, yet just. missing. the. mark?

that was me, for at least 12 solid years of my life.

you know that ZING! factor, as i like to call it?

that mojo or juju or secret sauce that some women seem to ooze out of her pores?

:: she expresses herself and you feel her words land with cellular recognition, deep in your body.

:: she offers a program and you want in, whatever the price tag.

:: you see her with her partner and the love and respect between them is so potent it’s almost palpable (you want to resent her for snagging one of the good ones, but you almost can’t)

:: her body is soft yet strong, powerful and sexy. (and when you ask, she says she doesn’t DO much to keep it that way!)

whatever that IT is …

…I did NOT have it.

however, for those 12 years, when i would see a woman who had IT, who i admired because she was beautiful and sexy, had an amazing boyfriend, an amazing career or an amazing body .. and i would try to BE LIKE HER.

COPY HER, in essence.

i thought, if i do what she does, speak how she speaks, eat what she eats, maybe i’ll stop being me and morph into her and then i’ll have “IT” too.

ok, ok … we all know not to try and copy someone else. find the beat of your own drummer inside and get marching and all that.

but here’s where it gets interesting:

we rise or fall, in tune with the company we keep, right?

clocks, the kinds with pendulums that sway? if you put a bunch of them, each with a different rhythm, in the same room, eventually the pendulums will synch to each other.

we’re talking CLOCKS.

and, as you likely know, women who hang out a lot together tend to get their period at the same time.

so what about studying with a great teacher or a gem of a mentor? you’re often learning practices, outlooks and actions that inform that teacher’s or mentor’s way of BEING.

in learning from others, aren’t we trying to BE LIKE them?

it would seem we are biologically designed to sync up and BE LIKE the people or things around us.

why did my plan fail for those 12 years? what’s the gray area (of genius!) between COPYING and BEING LIKE someone else?

there are three main keys:

1. recognize that what you see in them, is already blossoming in you.

the woman or teacher you admire is a shiny mirror of you. you already have whatever it is that you admire in them; you wouldn’t be able to see it otherwise.

knowing that has you “come from” a place of already-enough-ness, rather than trying-to-get-ness.

2. sort for friends, teachers and mentors around whom you feel whole, safe – and kinda like hot shit!

the people who you learn from should definitely have walked the path you want to walk and will show you HOW to do the same, but then (and this is the important bit) they should demand that you take ownership of what you’re learning, digest it, integrate it and make it fully your own.

this kind of teacher or mentor isn’t trying to boost their ego with lots of followers or clones. this kind of leader can smell a false facsimile a mile away, and won’t stand for it.

this person feels whole and safe themselves. and since they already know their worth, they are not trying to prove it. they already trust themselves (and you), and so, around them, it becomes a no-brainer to trust yourself. (feel free to tweet it)

the student SHOULD surpass the teacher. you SHOULD feel like a million bucks around your friends. you SHOULD take the light your mentor ignites in you and burn brighter because of it.

3. begin and end with consulting your own inner guidance.

the difference between COPYING, BEING LIKE and LEARNING FROM, is all about who (or what) you’re in dialogue with.

are you consulting your own Inner Knowing or are you looking to find it out and get permission, from “out there?”

other people’s opinions and good advise are all fine to take (i do it all the time; i’m a big fan of outsourcing!), but do you run it by your own internal compass first – and last?

at the end of the day, who else will KNOW, but you?

here’s how to start to take it into the testing zone of your life:

with each person you encounter for the next day or so, start to pay attention to how you FEEL when you are in their presence.

do a quick check-in with your body, heart and mind while in their presence:

:: do you like yourself more or less?
:: do you feel safe or threatened?
:: do you feel whole or incomplete and small?
:: do you feel articulate or tongue-tied?
:: do you leave them feeling energized or drained?

(this also works for when you’re on the phone or even reading their email.)

for now, just notice how you feel in their presence.

noticing – and becoming aware like this – is the first step in changing anything.

eventually, use this body-knowing to help you hang out LESS with those who leave you drained, small and tongue-tied. prioritize learning from folks around whom you feel safe, whole, articulate and just a bit more badass and expressed.

and tell me, how does this post land in your body, heart and mind as you read it? i’d love to know what your inner knowing knows.

best, LiYana