Archive for the Cure for Jealousy
i had dinner last night with two of my girlfriends at a sumptuous French bistro by the bay in San Francisco.
these women are stunningly beautiful, smart as whips and entrepreneurial wizards. one’s married to a gorgeous surgeon at the best hospital in SF and the other is in an epic love affair with a millionaire celebrity hottie. they radiate health and contentment.
i was showered in enough brilliance to put PG&E out of business and light up the evening skyline.
so, then the question is: was i crawling out of my skin with envy? did i carefully watch what i said, for fear of seeming stupid or inept? did i worry they would talk shit about me later? did i feel less beautiful, less successful and less lovable as i compared myself to these women and their lives?
read: did i worry if i could really trust these women?
the answer is NO.
and here’s why:
i find that one of the biggest energy leaks for women is the fear and mistrust we have of other women. (if you like it, feel free to tweet it)
over thousands of years (for as long as women have been dependent on others for our food, care, roof-over-our-heads, money, reputation and personal power), we have grown to see other women as threats.
if someone else has control over the stuff you need, you can very quickly get into competition with the other folks who might get your stuff instead of you.
~ she comes from a better family than you? she gets married to the powerful bread-winner, not you.
~ she’s more beautiful than you? she gets the love affair, not you.
~ she’s smarter than you? she gets the drea job, not you.
~ she’s sexier than you? she gets the love. the loyalty, and the soul-shattering orgasms, not you.
~ she makes more money than you? she gets the admiration and the status, not you.
there are two really big stinky problem with this popular line of reasoning:
1. competition is not women’s true nature
2. there are enough love affairs, dream jobs, love, loyalty, orgasms, admiration and status for every woman. and plenty left over.
many of us women are no longer dependent on others for the stuff we need to flourish. (no not ALL women, not by a long shot. but probably YOU)
however, we can still see other women as threats, to be competed with and preferably bested. we still have left-over and outdated mistrust coursing through our DNA, built up over thousands of years.
not ALL women are trustable, yet. but A CERTAIN KIND of women is thoroughly and powerfully trustable:
the woman who is no longer at war with herself, but who has befriended herself.
when a woman begins to revere her body, learns the language of her inner wisdom and prioritizes her juiciness, she then starts to trust her self.
she no longer sees herself as a wild beast, just waiting for her to loose the reins of control for a moment, only to run off into the wilds of fat-lonely-ugly-broke-toothless-and-homeless.
she trusts her desires to lead, is fueled by her sensuality, and is rockin’ her own unique brand of the feminine. (well, maybe you want to tweet this one!)
she’s no longer trying to GET; she has an overflow to GIVE.
and then, she becomes that kind of woman who is thoroughly and powerfully trustable.
your body, your woman’s body, is hooked up to infallible divine guidance. the energy that courses through your veins is the same that infinitely renewable Source that powers life itself, makes babies, urges salmon to swim upstream and bursts cherry blossoms into bloom.
i stand proudly astride my soap box and say (because i know for myself and have observed in other sassy lassies): a woman’s true nature is overflowing-enough-ness.
when your well is full, it naturally overflows in the juiciest of ways on to other people. you get clear on what you want to contribute to the world. you value your voice, tremendously. you take pleasure in your daily moments now while you yearn deliciously for you next adventure.
around you, people can’t wait to be their best selves. your presence is firestick, lighting a flame in their hearts.
can you really trust other women? no, not all of them.
but can you trust the lit-up ones? the ones that are at home in their skins, who have found a compass at their core, who know their worth and who are rocking their own unique brand of the feminine?
you can trust that kind of woman with your child. with your newest, tenderest desire. with the keys to your Porsche or your raw, hurting heart.
you can trust her to hold you with love and respect. you can trust her to call bullshit on you when you need some stretching. you can trust her to remind you of your beauty and brilliance (randomly, and when you need it most).
i have purposely surrounded myself with THIS kind of sisterhood: i hang out with them, mastermind with them, cry with them, party with them and dine with them.
in the presence of their firestick beings, i become LIT.
i pray you have at least one woman like this, if not a dozen, surrounding you.
if not, please get one or some. please. your life – and the woman you know yourself to be – will transform.
the first step is learning how to trust your own bad self, your own woman’s body, so you become that open, confident, tail-swinging, trustable woman who attracts similar women, to her.
so here’s a nice practice, to start it off, and start rocking your own unique brand of the feminine:
1. start with your envy of her. (really)
let’s say her six-pack abs make you green.
2. then, ask yourself if you had that thing you envy, how would it make you feel? what would it make possible for you? (really dig down on this one)
let’s say you come up with something like:
it would make you feel powerful, strong and sexy. it would then be possible to feel lovable and capable of having a beautiful relationship.
3. KNOW THIS: you would not notice that thing in her, if it wasn’t beginning to burn and blossom in you.
that’s how it goes with women. you wouldn’t even perceive her abs (that shorthand for power, strength, sexiness, lovability, etc) if the potential wasn’t IN YOU ALREADY.
4. so, lastly, ask yourself, “in what ways can i notice that in ME today?”
so, in the six-pack-abs example, you’d ask yourself, “in what ways can I notice my power, strength and sexiness today? and while I’m at it, my absolute lovability?”
if you let her, your sweet self will begin to gather evidence of your lovability; she’ll collect examples of your power and strength to lay at your feet and she’ll wink at you, “oo-la-la, sexy!” many, many times in your day.
(AND … let me know at least one way you “rock your unique brand of the feminine,” below in the comments!)
to YOU, stepping fully into this kind of woman (and surrounding yourself with a bunch, too),
I’ve found that one of the hidden blocks to our personal power and joy as women is our competition with other women, whether overt or unspoken.
A unique way to turn this around and have way more access to your own lit-up power, came from Dolores (an alias!), a reader of my Love 3.0 website:
i just read your (long) bio
you are AMAZING
i had to stop comparing myself,
because that’s silly. I would rather just
be lit with the inspiration of who you are.”
Is THIS woman amazing or what?
I’m not saying that she’s amazing because she’s ladling praise on me. While that’s something I appreciate, what catches my eye is that she didn’t let herself get taken down by comparison. She turned it around. She got lit up with inspiration to light up herself.
THAT is a sign of a powerful woman.
As I said earlier, I’ve found that one of the hidden blocks to our personal power and joy as women is our competition with other women, whether overt or unspoken.
It’s been a long time (more than 5,000 years or so) during which men have held the key to the resources. Big time resources. Food. Shelter. A place in the community. Care for our children… It’s only been a short amount of time, not even a couple hundred years, since women are no longer really dependent on men, at least in most of the western world. But our bodies and brains are going on over 5,000 years of “reality” rather than the last few hundred.
For 5,000 years and more our cells and brains have been bathed in life-or-death competition – and that doesn’t just melt away with a paltry few hundred years and a handful of few generations. There are parts of our brains (not the rational parts) that simply laugh at the freedom and equality available to us over the last 200, 100 or 50 years. It’s extraordinary, unprecedented, but also painfully recent to our cellular memory. We can’t blame ourselves for having DNA that instructs us to beat out the other woman so we can stay alive, fed, clothed, housed, and our children looked out for as well.
So, this week, Get Lit.
Rather than having it take you down, use the thing you are comparing to get inspired. Rather than seeing her as a threat, notice how you can see her as an inspiration, pointing the way for you to step into an aspect of yourself – your own unique, radiantly lit-up expression of Woman.
Allow her to be the spark that ignites you and sets you aflame. Get Lit.
The ability to empower others, while empowering ourselves, is a sign of true power.
And don’t forget to leave me your comments - there’s a link just under the title of this Mini Relationship Tip!