Archive for the Mini Relationship Tips

Are you ready for the most audacious, outrageous holiday tip? It’s not about the best temperature to bake a roast or how not to yell at your mother in law even when you want to.

It’s not about what shoes are best to wear as you beat the streets for stocking stuffers and it’s definitely not how to stay slim in the middle of endless holiday party temptations. But it may just help you have this be the most love and delight-filled holiday season yet.

This time of the year has always mystified me. The intent is a beautiful one: ’tis the season of love and giving, after all. Yet the actuality is a far cry from the intent: it ends up being mostly about giving and getting a bunch of stuff no one really wants or needs, out of obligation, and running ourselves ragged – and getting into scary debt – in the process. There’s mostly no love for what we give, what we get, or how we acquire, give or receive it.

Now, it would be wonderful if there were a ton o’ love in the things being bought or got, but for the most part, there’s not.

Get the rest of the tip here: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/liyana-silver/most-outrageous-holiday-tip-ever

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” ~ Unknown

I first created this Mini Relationship Tip four years ago, almost to the day.

I’ve added to this oldie but goodie, and I know you’ll find a gem of “life alchemy” in here for yourself.

You’ll definitely NOT want to skip reading this one because at the end there is a piece of uber personal, amazingly timely news.

Getting to Good

August 2007:

Like an acme safe ala cartoonland, I recently feel like I got hit on the head with EXACTLY HOW to have my life and relationship be great, gorgeous always full of fun and delight.

Only instead of landing like a ton of steel, this landed like a drizzle of honey on a bed of feathers.

The price to earn pleasure is not pain and suffering.
The price to earn pleasure is enjoying what is already here.
It is pulling your head out of your own a.s.s. and looking around and acknowledging all the good that is already present.  The best place to start is approving of and appreciating what is SO.
It is looking around at this green earth and the flora and fauna and crazy humans
inhabiting it, and finding it good.

The key to getting the good stuff is to start with the good stuff.
And the key to getting things to be better is to start with the good stuff.

Sometimes things in our life or relationship are really the opposite of good, right? They suck, they are hard, they are bad. I know.

The law of physics, so to speak, around having things get better is that things have to first start from a place of GOOD before they can get BETTER.  Good goes to better.

If things are bad, and we only focus on that they are bad, they get worse. Bad goes to worse.

You have to notice the things that are good or find something good about the crappy thing that’s happening before it
can get better.

The law looks something like this:  bad –> good  –> better.

You can’t get from bad to better, you have to get to good first.  The key is to start with good.  Then, things are good – I mean, that’s pretty great, right?  And what if things got even better?

Too abstract? Let me give you an uber personal, amazingly timely example:

I have a “pinch me” relationship.  It floors me constantly and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel grateful and blessed for this work of art we’ve co-created.  Throughout the eight years my husband and I have been together, we’ve had one point consistently come up where we are not on the same page: around whether to have a child together.

And we were having a really crappy time figuring this one out, in fact we almost broke up a few months ago with how much we were suffering trying to figure it out.

An esteemed teacher pointed out to us that we were having a terrible time and losing big time, while we were figuring it out.

(Enter visual – safe falling on LiYana’s head).

Could we have a great time figuring this hard, crappy, bad thing out?  What in the world would that be like?

I took this to heart in the biggest way possible. I looked at my tendency in problem-solving: freak-out, get overwhelmed, play the victim. I looked at my tendency in working through impasses: back-down, feel defeated before starting, suffer.

As we talked further about it, it turned out that my husband’s biggest fear in having a child together was losing me. He could see (easier than I of course) my defaults in problem-solving and working through impasses. When he thought through having a child, he loaded up my freaking out, getting overwhelmed, playing the victim, suffering and feeling defeated. He loaded up losing the bright, vivacious woman and lover her cherished. And he was right.

I asked myself, would it be possible to celebrate, enjoy, find pleasure, have some humour while working on the bad stuff?

What has happened since then is amazing – a deepening of love, appreciation, a clarity around what we both fear around having a child, and what would be amazing about it.  All the while a greater sense of partnership and so much more fun and enjoying each other.

The most remarkable thing is that as my husband saw the fruits of me really taking this on, he started to see that he might not lose his bright, luscious love to the inevitabilities of child-rearing. He saw that I could enjoy ourselves no matter, and that changed the tide in him. Where he was a NO to a child, he became a maybe and then a YES.

We would never have gotten to this place without the power of “getting to good.” Ever. In fact, I doubt we’d be together at all.

We both pulled our sorry a.s.s.es out of “bad” and got ourselves to “good” and it keeps getting better and better and better….

These are things I’ve always known, but sometimes they alternate between peeping and sleeping in me, but now they are roaring and won’t shut up.  Thankfully.

August 2011:

We’re officially pregnant with our first child, one who was planned, dreamed of, and who will be welcomed by two pretty large hearts who have spent four years practicing “getting to good” even when times are hard. It’s a magical little world we’ll be welcoming our little one into.

I might get this slightly wrong, but here’s the essence of a great quote:

“Your enjoyment is your blessing on all creation.” – Vic Baranco

So, this week:

1. Do a little inner inventory: what is your tendency when things get hard? When you feel defeated? When you are stressed or overwhelmed?

2. Try “getting to good” first: try your version of celebrating, enjoying, finding pleasure and having some humour while working on the bad stuff.

3. Leave your first thoughts from #1 and #2  in Comments, so we can all see how this is for you!

I promise you, this is pure life alchemy, friends.

My best to you, LiYana

(published in YourTango.com August 1, 2011)

I had lunch a few weeks ago with a dear friend of mine, a multi-talented man of about 60 who has had life experiences that would have half of us green with envy and the other wonder how he made it through alive.

He had been having a mad, wild, wonderful love affair with a friend of mine for about 6 months, that recently ended. Their age difference of about 20 years was too much for her, and even though they were both having the time of their lives, she decided not to continue it.

He had been reticent to get into any relationship after his divorce several years ago, and I knew he was totally smitten with my friend. I asked him how he was doing with the breakup. In essence, I might have been asking …

*  Was he crushed by her ending the epic love affair?
*  Did he feel foolish or ashamed because he had been such a YES, and she had ultimately responded with a NO?
*  Was he scorched and ready to raise his fist to the heavens of eros, saying, “never again!”?
*  Did he resent her?
*  Did he feel like crawling into a hole, fit only for wiggly slimy things like he felt?

These are all reactions I’ve had myself in similar situations. I hear them from clients all the time. Perhaps some sound familiar to you.

But he responded with something quite different and beautiful.

“Absolutely not. I’ve never LOVED like that before. At every turn, where I could have closed up, I opened. Whenever there was a time where I could have shied away from being truthful and transparent, I spoke it. I took out all the stops. I’ve never done anything like that in relationship before. I quite honestly didn’t know if I had it in me. I went to places in myself and with her I never had the ability or courage to go for in my marriage. I am so glad and proud of myself that I went for it. Now I know what I’m made of, and I know how well I can love and let myself be loved.”

Wow.

That’s a response we all might craft in a moment of meditation, feeling at our best and most magnanimous, but these were his unscripted, honest sentiments, shared over iced tea on the patio of a fine restaurant establishment on an anonymous Monday afternoon.

Let us all take some snippet of golden goodness from my dear friend, shall we?

So, this week, Choose Love.

*  If there is a place you’ve been holding back with your loving, let it loose.
*  At a moment you feel like closing up, protecting yourself or retreating, open outward.
*  If your honest truth is bubbling up, before you judge it worthy or not wothy, let it flow.

“Choose your love, and then love your choice.”
~ Unknown

To your loving and being loved,

LiYana

PS: Please don’t skew this and use it as an excuse to pour your love onto a person who isn’t loving you back at all, who isn’t reciprocating, or is treating you badly, OK? You deserve to be MET, to love your fullest and be loved to the fullest. While this is a call not to hold back, do so with the deserving, OK?

“Great things are only possible with outrageous requests.”
~ Unknown

So, I give you lots and lots of great communication tips through these Mini Relationship Tips, right?

But what about when you are communicating like a pro – your tone and intention are loving, appreciative and juicy, your words are considerate and compelling – and yet your gorgeous request is still met with a … NO?

I mean, you’re working your hump off to make your offer or request too good to pass up, attractive beyond compare and a big, luscious win-win for both of you … so what gives? Shouldn’t they be leaping off their seat to crow a resounding YES from the rooftops!?

Actually, people usually say NO for some “good” reason. It’s a reason that is not only pretty unclear for you, but likely not totally clear for them, either.  Underlying any NO, there’s usually some fear of theirs. Or there is a way they think they might lose out by saying YES.

So, this week, when you get a NO, try asking,

“Is there some way that my request has you feel like you could lose out?”

“Is there something you are concerned about or afraid might happen as a consequence if you were to say yes?”

“What would you need in order for you to be a YES?”

(Good ones, right? Useful. Comments are currently being accepted below)

Rather than giving up, with an, “Oh, no! They said no,” rub your hands together, get excited about what you’ll discover underneath, and see if you can get to the bottom of this “no” matter.

Enjoy, LiYana

If you are anything like me, conflict isn’t the easiest thing to deal with. Conflict often likes to makes itself known as it races through your bloodstream when a friend or colleague brings up something they are disappointed with.  Or a lover lashes out with anger or struggles to articulate something, awash in sadness.  Or a partner lets you know what you did “wrong.”  Or a heated disagreement, sparks flying left and right.

The point in relationships isn’t to avoid conflict, however – the point is to deal with conflict constructively.

Nowadays, I am able to do that pretty well. But it’s all learned behavior, practiced and honed, with much sweat and adrenaline keeping me company. And I owe much of this essential relationship skill to an understanding of how lightning and lightning rods work.

Conflict in and of itself isn’t a problem. Often, it’s simply the squeak of a wheel desperately in need of grease. Conflict is something stuck, looking to get shook loose. If we can work with it and not freak out and run from it, freeze up in the face of it, or make it mean something’s wrong, then it can reveal a big learning or blessing. About ourselves, about the other, and about the relationship.

Perhaps you’ve heard of a Lightning Rod or Grounding Rod? It’s usually a long, tall piece of metal, often attached to the roof or side of a building, and its job is to attract the electrical energy of a lightning storm. Instead of the lightning striking the building – or your head – the Grounding Rod acts as a conduit; it collects the lightning’s energy and runs it into the ground. Hence, the term, “grounding.”

Without the Grounding Rod, the electrical energy would get into the building – or your head – and fry things.

So, the next time your nervous system starts blinking red, letting you know you’re entering into conflict zone, Ground.

Pretend your body is a Grounding Rod. Feel the electrical energy of the conflict’s lightening storm, but instead of letting it stay in your body, use your breath and intention to run it into the ground.

Then, when the lightening is dispersed and you aren’t a live wire any more, you’ll be able to think straighter and communicate clearer.

You’ll be able to make some sense of where the person is coming from, what’s squeaking that needs a shot of emotional WD40, what’s all bound up beneath what their words, asking to be loosened and looked at.

Enjoy practicing constructively dealing with conflict in a way that doesn’t involve freezing, fighting, flight-ing – or frying.

“The best lightning rod for your protection is your own spine.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

And don’t forget to leave a comment below.

Best, LiYana

Remember that game as a kid, “Telephone?”

You sit in a circle, and one person whispers a word or phrase into the ear of the person next to them.  Then each person in turn whispers it to the next. Then last person says out loud what beat-up, garbled version the word or phrase has become.

Your communication ever feel like an adult’s version of that kid’s game -  but not that funny?

Well, there’s what you heard, and then there’s what they said.

What you hear is often a far cry from than what person intended.  Since language is an approximation, we all interpret the same words in often vastly different ways. Stopping to clarify in this way can save you so much of the pain that comes from the build-up of repeated misunderstanding.

So, when that Someone says what’s on their mind, before you agree, disagree, judge, retort or respond, repeat it back, as you heard it.

Something like, “If I got that right (repeat back what you heard)” or “What I heard was (repeat back what you heard). Did I get that right?”

You may even need to check, “Let me see if I got all of that?” or “Is there any more you want to say about that?”

And (for extra bonus points!), validate their experience. Something like, “You make sense because….”  “I can see how you could see it that way.” “I can see what you are saying …” or “I imagine that you could also be feeling…”

(You’re not saying that you feel the way they do, you are simply saying you understand what they are feeling.)

This might feel counter intuitive, but try it out. It may just steer you clear of a pile of painful misunderstanding.

So, this week, Say What?

Say what you heard, and see if it’s actually what they said.

And don’t forget to leave your comment (look for the “Comments” link at the top of the page)!

Enjoy, LiYana

PS: How do I love your comments? Let me count the ways. Your comments row my boat gently down a stream. Your comments give peace a chance. Well, at the very least, your comments make my day, so go ahead!

Getting into bed at the end of my day is one of my favorite past-times.

There in the dreamy warm sheets, at the end of the day, I ask my honey, “what was your favorite frame from today?” And then he’ll usually reciprocate and ask me the same.

What’s a “favorite frame,” you ask?

As if the day were a long roll of film, my mind runs it forward and backward along its happenings and pauses to linger on the moments that were most memorable, or that stands out in stark relief from the others.

It’s a fun way to catalog what happened. It’s a sweet way to relate. It’s a respectful way to honor the day and set up for sleep.

The thing about putting your attention on your “favorite frame” is that your mind is attracted to those moments for a reason.  There was some impression, some learning, or some importance captured in that frame. Great to suck the marrow our of the what the day’s bones have to teach.

So, this week:

At the end of the day, ask your honey,  “what was your favorite frame from today?”
And have honey ask it to you, too.
This also works just as well if your honey is YOU.

And don’t forget to leave your comment (which you’ll find at the top of the page)!

“Each [of us] should frame life so that at some future hour fact and [our] dreaming meet.”

~ Victor Hugo

Enjoy, LiYana

I’ve found that one of the hidden blocks to our personal power and joy as women is our competition with other women, whether overt or unspoken.

A unique way to turn this around and have way more access to your own lit-up power, came from Dolores (an alias!), a reader of my Love 3.0 website:

“dear liyana,

i just read your (long) bio

AMAZING

you are AMAZING

i had to stop comparing myself,
because that’s silly. I would rather just
be lit with the inspiration of who you are.”

Is THIS woman amazing or what?

I’m not saying that she’s amazing because she’s ladling praise on me. While that’s something I appreciate, what catches my eye is that she didn’t let herself get taken down by comparison. She turned it around. She got lit up with inspiration to light up herself.

THAT is a sign of a powerful woman.

As I said earlier, I’ve found that one of the hidden blocks to our personal power and joy as women is our competition with other women, whether overt or unspoken.

It’s been a long time (more than 5,000 years or so) during which men have held the key to the resources. Big time resources. Food. Shelter. A place in the community. Care for our children… It’s only been a short amount of time, not even a couple hundred years, since women are no longer really dependent on men, at least in most of the western world. But our bodies and brains are going on over 5,000 years of “reality” rather than the last few hundred.

For 5,000 years and more our cells and brains have been bathed in life-or-death competition – and that doesn’t just melt away with a paltry few hundred years and a handful of few generations. There are parts of our brains (not the rational parts) that simply laugh at the freedom and equality available to us over the last 200, 100 or 50 years. It’s extraordinary, unprecedented, but also painfully recent to our cellular memory. We can’t blame ourselves for having DNA that instructs us to beat out the other woman so we can stay alive, fed, clothed, housed, and our children looked out for as well.

So, this week, Get Lit.

Notice that woman (or women) in your life you compare yourself to. Maybe you feel envious of her, jealous of her, that she doesn’t deserve what she has or is, or that she’s more than you’ll ever be.

Rather than having it take you down, use the thing you are comparing to get inspired. Rather than seeing her as a threat, notice how you can see her as an inspiration, pointing the way for you to step into an aspect of yourself – your own unique, radiantly lit-up expression of Woman.

Allow her to be the spark that ignites you and sets you aflame. Get Lit.

The ability to empower others, while empowering ourselves, is a sign of true power.

And don’t forget to leave me your comments - there’s a link just under the title of this Mini Relationship Tip!

Enjoy, LiYana

This one’s for guy’s eyes, but women, you’re welcome to be a fly on the wall.

I liken porn to junk food. Pop-corn, pop-porn, you get the metaphor. But lust because I am using “porn” and “junk food” in the same sentence doesn’t mean I am saying you shouldn’t have any.

Life is no fun without a little junk food, right? It’s fun, it’s tasty, it’s a rush, it is an indulgence, it reminds us of our adolescence and it can be comforting.

But you have to watch out for too much, because then you get sluggish, low-energy, overweight, depressed, and other serious diseases. A good rule for food is 90% of the time eat healthy, whole, nutritious food that makes you healthy, happy, energized and ready for life. 10% of the time is for whatever junk food does it for you.

The same goes for porn.

Porn is like junk food. A little here and there is fun, tasty, a rush, an indulgence, reminds you of your adolescence and it can be comforting.

Porn can be hot. Porn can be fun, I am not suggesting you should have NO PORN.

I just want to draw some attention to some side-effects from over-saturation of porn.

Too much porn is numbing, de-sensitizing, it limits the depth of sensuality that is possible to have with another human being, and quite honestly, narrows your capacity as a great lover.

I suggest that you consider porn to be junk food, not your mainstay of sensual and sexual sustenance and nourishment.

Not easy. Porn is hurled at you from every corner. Most men I have asked said they first learned about or encountered sex from pornography. Porn is where you so often get your schooling around sex and sensuality. It is what you were weaned on, and that is the steady diet incessantly tossed your way for your whole lifetime.

(Yes, there is porn made for and by women, but in general, porn is consumed by and created for men.)

So, porn is where too many men get their  information on what is sexy, what is sensual, what a sexy body should look like, what gets a person off.

Which is all often far from a real life encounter with a real live partner.

Eating junk food all the time can’t create a healthy, vital being. Likewise, a steady diet of porn also cannot create a healthy, vital, integrated sensual, aware human being.

So, this week:

1. You don’t have to give porn up, just consider whittling it down to 10%, as a delicious indulgence. And consider devoting some of your energy to sex and sensuality in the real world.

It’s time to get healthy, guys, time to expand your sexual nutrition horizons. What are your off-screen turn-ons? What makes real life women hot? What have you been missing that would make you a phenomenal lover? What do you have yet to learn to be fully on your game?

Enjoy, LiYana

You know how it goes. The conversation starts out OK, but all of a sudden it is like someone lit a fuse and set off a fireworks display of defensiveness, blame, lashing out, accusation, icy silence or hurled insults.

Want to know how keep that fuse from being lit, especially around this holiday time? How to De-Fuse an upset or conflict?  How to cool it all down enough to restore some rationality, create some space for some real communication and connection?

I thought you might.

It is unchecked reactivity that is the highway robbery of connection.  Reactivity can sideswipe and derail any well-meaning communication. By De-Fusing reactivity, the other person will feel like you still “have their back” rather than have suddenly become the aggressor or their opponent.

Some of these 12 ways will work well for colleagues and friends, others for your partners and family.

They are generalizations, since all of us humans are different and unique, but for the grand majority, they hold true.

These will work at the first sign of reactivity – yours or theirs. And it goes without saying that none of these will work unless they are 100% genuine and from your heart.

12 Ways To De-Fuse, this holiday season:

Pick one, or try all 12!

(You can sing along, if you’d like: “On the 12th day of De-Fusing, my true love gave to me …”)

1.  Start With Appreciation: It may not always be the first thing on your mind, but make it a practice to have it be the first thing out of your mouth. Tell ‘em what you honestly love about them, what they did for you, said to you, how they moved you, etc. You’ll not only activate your ability to be grateful, but you and others will rise in value and worth in your eyes.

2.  Be Gentle. A full-frontal assault on someone, all guns blaring is usually not that effective, unless your aim is a knock-down, drag-out fight. If your aim is healthy communication, start with some vulnerability, with your throat bared, so to speak. This will set the stage for you both to be kind and considerate to each other.

3.  Repeat It Back. What you hear is often a far cry from than what person intended.  Since language is an approximation, we all interpret the same words in often vastly different ways.  A good rule of thumb is to repeat back to someone what you think they just said: “So, here’s what I think I just heard you say. You are feeling/thinking…” Stopping to clarify in this way can save you so much of the pain that comes from the build-up of repeated misunderstanding.

Especially effective with men:

4.  Consider Your Timing. Can he focus on you right now or would you do better to wait until later?

5.  Acknowledgment. Tell him some way he has touched you, impressed you, something he has done well.  Thank him. This opens him up to let down his guard and hear you.

6.  Give Him Space. Sometimes guys need to take a long time to answer you, or they need to go away for a while and figure it out.  If you give him space, he will come back with something great.

7.  Give Him A Way to Win. Consider posing your communication in the form of a problem he can solve or you can solve together, rather than as something he isn’t doing right. Guys come in to their element when there is a way for them to “win”, to show up as a hero, and when there is something that they can fix.

Especially effective with women:

8.  Make Physical Contact With Her, like a touch or a hug. Physical contact is grounding and calming like nothing else, and reminds her of your presence. She will stop worrying that you are outa there, and will then be open to hear what you have to say.

9.  Remind Her That You Are Not Leaving. In a highly emotional and heated situation, especially if you walk away or become emotionally distant, women can become triggered and feel like you are leaving for good.

10. What Do You Love About Her? Is it the curve of her neck? Her rapier wit? Her grace? Tell her. Often in an upset, she may feel that you no longer love her (even if you said it earlier in the day), or that because you are angry, she is losing your love. Is there limit to the number of times you can tell a woman you love her, or what you love about her? Um, no.

And, for all humans, again…

11. Say It Differently. If someone is responding as though they haven’t heard you, no matter how many times you have said it before, THEY are not stupid, YOU have not said it in a WAY they can hear. Try using different words, tone or intention.

12. Go For Humour. For example, if your Aunt Mildred always badgers you about why you aren’t married yet, or why YET AGAIN you didn’t bring home a prospective partner, you can tell her something like, “Listen, I know you are excited to hear about the scores of marriage offers I’ve had to turn down this month and all the love letters I’ve framed on my wall. And I know you want to discuss what to cook for the eight suitors I brought, but let’s find something else to talk about, OK?” Adjust humour and content accordingly…

Enjoy – and for extra points, tell me which one worked best!

LiYana