Archive for the Mini Relationship Tips

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” ~Author Unknown

This time of the year has always mystified me. ‘Tis the season of love, yet it seems to be mostly about giving and getting a bunch of stuff no one really wants or needs, and running ourselves ragged in the process.  We (mostly) neither love what we give, what we get, nor how we give or get it.

And if there were a ton o’ love in the things being bought or got, that would be cool, but for the most part, there’s not.

Before you accuse me of Scroogitis – yes, I was raised Jewish/New Age/Buddhist – let me remind that around the holidays, suicide goes up, we over-eat, under-sleep, get stressed out, gain weight and burn the candle at both ends.

Despite our country’s economic recession, we remain the land of plenty. How much more of what we don’t want in the first place do we really need?  All I’m saying is maybe we could peek behind the curtain of this culturally-sanctioned sadness and madness, masquerading as gladness, just a little wee bit.

Instead of RE-GIFTING all those gifts you’ll be getting that you didn’t want in the first place, consider DE-GIFTING.

Don’t know what to get that special someone? Don’t get them anything at all. Blame it on Rudolf.

Imagine: no gifts given or gotten, aside from the ones that mean something, are truly desired, or you are moved and inspired to give.

So, this holiday season, consider one way you could DE-GIFT:

1.  Don’t buy any gifts unless they truly are DESIRED by the person you are buying them for.
2.  Let your friends and family (and office peeps) know that you do n’t want any gifts unless they are truly INSPIRED give them to you.
3.  In lieu of needless gifts given or gotten, consider:

* “Paying It Forward” look around in your life to find someone who would ordinarily not be getting a holiday gift from you, and do something, give something that would be incredibly valuable and meaningful for them. (usually isn’t money, but can be). Pay forward your great fortune and abundance. If you want, you can share this story with those in your life you de-gifted.

* a micro-finance loan. Kiva (http://www.kiva.org) and World Vision Micro (http://www.worldvisionmicro.org) are two amazing organizations that take your small donation ($5, $25 or more), and put it in the hands of  a person in a developing nation, in the form of a loan that must be repaid.

Most recipients start a micro-business with your loan that gets them out of poverty, sends children or family members to school and totally changes the trajectory of their lives.  You get to watch their progress, too.

All for the price of a Starbucks gift card!

“A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.” ~Thomas á Kempis

May your heart be full to bursting with love and gratitude this holiday season, LiYana

“A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, ‘I guess we answered that question.’” ~ Author Unknown

Here’s another way to answer the question of who comes first – or at all.

Ready? No one. Neither of you!

The point of this is to shift the goal of a sexual experience from climax to exploration of sensation and expansion of pleasure.

So often sex is so climax-focused and goal-oriented that you can miss out on a ton of amazing stuff along the way. This is about re-defining the goal as the pleasurable process itself.

Here’s how it goes:

(Note: adjust this accordingly, depending on if you will be doing this with a partner, or by yourself)

1. Prepare an inviting, sexy, sensually-rich, comfortable space.

2. Take a moment to connect, settle down from whatever you were doing before.

3. Feel free to do whatever sensual and sexual things you want, however you usually do it, but remember to stay present to the sensations. The goal is to have each moment be more pleasurable than the last.

If you feel your mind wandering, bring it back to what is going on, what sensations you are experiencing. If you feel close to climax, relax and breathe into the sensations, spreading them from your genitals throughout your body.

4. Continue, experiment, breathe, indulge, relax, communicate and enjoy! But, Come Some Other Time.

OPTIONAL: Take some time to share the experience – what it was like for you to have sexual experience that’s focus was NOT focused on orgasm/climax, but on everything but?

What did you learn, what did you like, what would you like to throw away, what would you like to include in your future love-making?

By the way, this isn’t to mean you should NEVER climax, just not THIS time .

“At some point while in the midst of making love, stop. Don’t move. Look into your lover’s eyes. Breathe in slowly and inhale their being. Feel God through them. Then continue to make love not as two people, but as
a God and a Goddess.” ~ Anonymous

Enjoy,

LiYana

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How can we expect to have a great relationship with another without one with ourselves first?

A couple weeks ago, I sat in my living room, talking intensely with my husband. I forget what about, actually. Without meaning to be unkind, he laid some kind of truth on me, and up came some very strong emotions in me.

Shame. Feeling like a victim. Self-pity. Despair.

My first reaction was, “If I feel this, I’ll die.” Followed by, “OK, what if I fall into you, rather than resist?”

I prepared myself for a long ride. I pictured myself flinging myself on the bed, crying for days, fully feeling the breadth and depth. I opened into the strong emotion when usually I would have clamped down, closed, denied and resisted.

And yes, a flood came. It burnt and seared, tore and scratched. I breathed, relaxed, did my best to just not flex and tense up it as it came.

And 3 minutes later it left.

Huh? I had prepared for 3 hours, 3 days, but 3 minutes?

A friend of mine told me that researchers say the life-span of an emotion is 90 seconds – if we don’t “feed” it with our resistance, judgment, denial, etc. Who knew?

I can’t promise similar brevity, to you, or even to me next time, but I took the lesson to heart:

“Practicing love often means feeling through fear: intentionally opening yourself when you would rather close down, giving yourself when you would rather hide. Love means recognizing yourself as the open fullness of this moment regardless of its contents — trenchant thoughts, enchanting pleasures, heavy emotions, or gnawing pains — and surrendering all hold on the familiar act you call ‘me’.”

~ David Deida

So, today, your mini relationship tip is:

1. Next time you notice a strong emotion coming up, and the familiar feeling of “If I feel that, I’ll die,” try feeling through the fear, the reaction to blame, lash out,  crumple or run.

Intentionally open yours elf when you would rather close down.  Give yourself when you would rather hide.

Why? To not move the way fear makes you move; to move the way love asks you to move.

To your fearwalk,

LiYana